I was able to get through 54 years of life not even knowing what the word TOXIC meant. Oh sure, I knew it meant “bad for you” but I only experienced it through bad food or substances. Now I know!
Toxic people are most always negative. Sure, they can put on a really good act in the beginning but only for a little while. Slowly, all the negativity and criticism starts oozing out of them.
There’s always something wrong and upsetting. Lots of drama, although they claim to want NO DRAMA!
In the beginning, they put on a great facade. They become over achievers in a few key areas of the relationship, they are eager to please!
He does everything right. He’s not just on time, he’s a little early. He wants to please in every way. He wants to spend as much time together as possible. He never neglects letting you know he’s thinking of you via text. These were all things I loved.
I remember hearing some relationship advice, “never fall in love with a person’s potential.” I thought it sounded rather harsh, now I know what it means!
He claimed to be a Godly man, he wanted to be in a committed, loving relationship. He wanted to be just like his nana and papa for the rest of his life. He wanted to be calm and loving. He wanted to be caring and gentle.
Heads up! There’s a difference between wanting to be and BEING!
Do you remember that comforting phrase we soothed ourselves with in childhood, “sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me?”
We all know how mean spirited kids can be, so that phrase did give me comfort when I was a girl.
Now, as a grown woman who spent some time with a mean spirited man, I know that phrase is NOT true. Those names did hurt me. Those names he called me in his fits of rage and disgust were harsh and hurtful.
Hurt people hurt people.
I had never experienced anything so traumatic and stressful. The first time it happened, it shook me to my core and I knew I should stop the relationship right then and there. It felt unhealthy in every way.
I tried, but he talked me down. I ignored my screaming intuition and for that I am full of regret.
At times, he felt like the male version of me and I the female version of him. It was something else! We knew what the other was thinking and spoke the words as the other thought the thoughts, it was otherworldly!
The chemistry between us was off the charts, freakish, never felt anything like it.
I’ll never forget hearing Alison Armstrong talk about chemistry. She is one of the foremost experts on men and women and relationships. She taught that when you meet someone and you experience this off the charts chemistry between you, RUN!!!
At the time I heard it (many years ago), I didn’t understand. Why would I want to run from someone I had such an affinity towards?
Now I know. He showed up in my experience to help me heal my childhood wounds. I convinced myself then, that I was there to help him heal his childhood wounds.
I thought because he was such a Godly man, he would want to heal those deep wounds within himself that seemed to come out at me in a moments notice.
His childhood was particularly traumatic and abusive. His father was physically and verbally abusive to his mother and to him.
He said that he wanted to heal and we prayed for it daily. The outbursts still came. The words still rolled off his tongue with such ugliness that my hope just continued to diminish.
I can’t tell you how many times I tried to break up and stay away but whenever I’d see him, my heart would melt back into that hopefulness. Over and over and over and over again.
I needed someone who needed me as much as I needed them. My childhood wounds had more to do with the feeling of neglect and not having enough attention. I had so much love and hope to give.
Until one day, I had to be strong. I had to stay away.
The words turned physical. The first assaults were grabbing and shoving and yes, they left bruises. Then, more grabbing until the last day where his hands had a vice grip on my jaw.
That was 24 months ago. As I look back, it’s hard to believe that was ME in that toxic tangled up mess!
Names do hurt the girl within but the woman I have become cannot be touched by the meanness. He came from his place of hurt and was only a boy himself when his childhood programs triggered him into action.
I get back to me now, finding ways to love me even more.
I am free from this terror of a man!
I watched a “wanna be” unravel. He had no control over his anger. He tried and tried but it never stuck. As much as we prayed for presence and awareness and gaining control over the monster within him, we couldn’t control him.
I am free. I am blessed. Yes, I am alone, very alone, but I can assure you it is far better than being entangled with a traumatized boy trapped in a macho man’s body.
If you are reading this and can relate, please do whatever it takes to put yourself back in the lead. You can love yourself and let that be enough for now. Yes, being with someone and having a connection is so sweet but not when it brings you trauma and pain and the potentiality being hurt or even killed by a man who has no control over his childhood programs.
I wonder how many women he’s gone through since then. I’m sad for him and instead of trying to fix him, I need to fix myself.
I played my part in the mess. I learned many things about me that aren’t easy to look at. I am ashamed but shame is what keeps all of us stuck and hidden away.
Shame is unreleased anger and hurt. We’ve all got it in varying degrees. Spending time on oneself is the magic that many people miss out on. Don’t go along with the stigma our society places on those of us who are single and living alone. Single and focusing on ourselves is a far better place to be than the stress and eventual sickness that staying in an abusive relationship will always lead to.