Fortune In Friends

Friends are fortune to me!  Growing up,  I was a loyal friend to one–Annette.  Sure, I had other friends in the neighborhood but it was almost as if they were there for me when Annette wasn’t available.  I’ve operated in that same fashion my whole life.  Almost always, when I got a boyfriend, my friends were definitely second.  My sole focus was on my primary relationship.  That’s just the way I was.

Now, after being out of a 20 year relationship almost 4 years, I’m noticing that I’ve become more free and available to more friends all at once.  When that long relationship ended, I bombarded the one nearby friend that was available.  She was really the center of all my friends.  That ended after a while because she felt the pressure and responsiblity of being my only friend!

Thank goodness she cut me off. It forced me to grow.  I have become more available to many friends now–all at once.  It took some time and I could feel the subtle signs of clinging to just one friend.  Now, though, I have many friends and they all play a role in my life.  It feels good.  We are all here for one another.  Sure, some of them find a significant other and I am set on the shelf for a time, but I understand.

This process of letting go of my loyalty to one person has been challenging and painful at times.  I guess I’ve always been attached to the presence of another person.  Now, though, I am becoming more and more “okay” on my own and really attached to my own “presence”.  As far as I can see, this is the best way to be.

Many of my friends are in the search mode of on-line dating or going out to clubs to find someone.  I haven’t been all that interested in replacing that space with some person.  Instead, I’m enjoying all the different circles of friends I’ve found and nurtured, and most importantly, I’m enjoying the friend I have in ME!

California–Letting The Dream Go

I remember my second visit to California, I was 18 years old and loving this place!  Near the end of my trip, I read some graffiti on a freeway overpass, “Tourists GO HOME”!  I remember feeling really bad when I read it, almost like I had been personally attacked.

I couldn’t understand how someone would want me to go home.  I thought to myself, “gosh if I lived here, I would want to meet all the people that came from all over the world to visit”.  That’s just how I am, I love finding out about people.

I’m still the same way all these years later, if I meet somebody new I want to know all about them.  I’ve lived in this state for 20 years now and I feel as if I was born here.  I wasn’t born here, but I did live here when I was a baby and I feel as if California is in my bones.  I love this place, it is so magnificent!

Where else can you go to the beach then take a 2 to 5 hour drive and be in the mountains with snow?  Everywhere I go here, I feel at home.

California!  I’ve been up and down the coast and everywhere I go is total bliss.  It really is no wonder that people want to visit here, let alone move here.  If you knew what we had to endure in Michigan, you would have a heart and be okay with us being here.  While it is true, there are lots of people and cars, how can you blame them all?  This a a gorgeous place!

I remember one of the women at the gym complaining about all the cars flooding from the valley to go to the beach.  She said, “vals, go home, we don’t want you here”.  It’s funny, I thought to myself, she moved here from Ontario Canada–who is she to talk?  Vals are the people who live in the San Fernando Valley.  It is a good 15-25 degrees hotter than on the beach.  Gosh, they deserve to enjoy the beach.  I can see it from both sides, though.  When I spend most of my time up and down the coast because I work in Malibu and live in Brentwood, there can be a huge amount of traffic in the summer months because of everyone flooding to the beach.  It’s all good though, we’re just enjoying where we get to live and play!

I enjoy where I live and play every day.  Today, as I drove the stretch of PCH that takes me to my long time place of work, The Malibu Gym, I marveled at the beauty of Point Dume’ in the distance.  Honestly, I don’t think there has been one day in the 20 years I’ve been driving that coast that I haven’t been in awe of the sight of it when I see it.  I do wonder, how is it possible to love a place so much?

The month of June, 2011 marked 20 years of living in California.  From the age of 10, I spent 20 years dreaming of living in California.  Some might say it became everything I focused upon.  The DJ in the college cafeteria only had to see me and know that it was time to play my song, “California Dreamin”.  Class after class of teaching, I always ended in the relaxed visualizing mode and saw myself here, happy and vibrant!  Then, after years of postponing my move either because of school or a job or a boyfriend,  I made it happen.  I had dreamed and visualized and listened and dreamed some more and then I moved to California.  I had no car, no job, no place to live–I just had to be here once and for all.

So many dreams came true for me.  I live the lifestyle I lived when I lived in Michigan.  I lived it in my own little world there because my environment didn’t really support it.  Today, I am surrounded by health food stores, healthy restaurants,  nature abounding everywhere I turn, near perfect weather, people I adore and so much more!

I love the life I’ve created.  I ride my bike, I hike the trails, practice yoga at my choice of a plethora of studios.  I live in a neighborhood that simply must be one of the prettiest in the country.  Abundance surrounds me in every direction I turn.  I am worthy of it all because I brought it to life with my visions and my strong desire.

Now, after 20 years of fully embracing and loving this place, I had the thought of letting it go.  Let it go and move onto something different.  I am open to that.  Montana seems to be pulsing in my radar these days.  Colorado is another place calling to me although the thought of the Winter months don’t really appeal to me.   Hawaii could work for me.  Or, I could stay here and just keep living it in the blissful fashion I’ve carved out for myself.

The feeling I had, though, when I let go of the need to be here and the need to stay here was so freeing.   By letting go, we simply surrender to either something better or keeping that which we have.  It was obvious I had been clinging to being here.  I could feel such a total sense of freedom when I just let go.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? ”I am open to everything and attached to nothing”.  That sounds like a good plan.  I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer say it many years ago and until you experience it in one area of life, you won’t really know how good it feels.  I am feeling this way in several areas of life and it feels like a dream–as  good as the California dream I had all those years ago!

Santa Monica Serendipity

Santa Monica was once the Mecca of Bodybuilding–or wait, maybe it was Venice.  These days, Santa Monica is the Mecca of Yoga Studios.  There are literally 6 studios within 5 blocks of each other.

As I wrote in a previous post, I was once a yoga whore.  Yoga whore,  meaning I never seemed to stay with one teacher, I jumped from class to class every week with no desire to be true to one teacher.

After many years, I found a teacher I practiced with every week and shared the time with a friend.  We loved our time together until our schedules changed and we were off on another  quest to find a place to fit in.

There are a some great teachers in Santa Monica–actually some of the best teachers in the Country make Santa Monica their home.  While they may be great teachers, most of them don’t have the quality of connecting with all their students.  It’s hard with a room FULL of students I’m sure, but as a student, it feels good to be seen and touched and known.

Just the other day, I was at a special event workshop.  I was in the restroom and I saw a face I recognized but wasn’t sure who or how I knew her.  I told her she looked familiar and asked her name, she then told me her name.  She was a “famous” teacher.   Most people when asked their name would reciprocate with, “what’s your name?”  No, not this teacher–she is more of a “celebrity” yoga instructor.  She had no desire to know my name.  She has grown comfortable in her status of the Santa Monica yoga scene!  To me, that’s so sad.

Finding a teacher that is warm and inviting is not always an easy task here in Santa Monica.  My friend and I couldn’t make it to our regular teacher’s class because of time constraints so we went to a new studio (at the time it was new, it’s a year old now), Yogaco.

That’s when, serendipitously,  we met the second teacher that made her way into our hearts, Jennifer Pastiloff.  We wanted to give the new yoga studio our business and we arrived and waited and waited and waited.  I wanted my friend to meet Aras and experience his class but we found out later he had been in the hospital with food poisoning.    The person at the desk told us, “Jennifer’s class is starting at 9 and her class is really cool.”

We had been wanting to find our female favorite but hadn’t had much luck.  What a pleasant surprise she was.

Jennifer is the kind of teacher I would be if I were teaching in a public setting.  She is approachable, warm, inspiring, real, playful, authentic, and she cares about who YOU are and what your name is!  I could go on but I will just say,  she is easy to be with.  Her spirit is so loving and giving and supportive.  Everyone who knows Jennifer absolutely adores her.  Her mother says, “that’s the way it has been her whole life, everybody loves her.”

When the time that she teaches works in my schedule, I’m in her class.  When I’m there, I know I can just BE.  There is no serious vibe going on…she encourages everyone to sing out if they feel the music and need to express it.  When I am there, in some bizarre way, the music she plays is perfect–just what I need that day.  Synchronicity!

There is so much about being in her class that appeals to me…I can let my inhibitions go and just BE.    Sometimes the music moves me so much,  I am teary eyed with joy and wonder.  Sometimes,  I am encouraged to go for a pose I had been too intimidated to try.  There is something so magical about getting past a block–the feeling is amazing and she is there to walk you through it.

The words she speaks are inspiring.  One of her greatest influences in life has been the teachings of Dr. Wayne Dyer.  We are like-minded in that regard,  if you haven’t heard any of Dr. Wayne Dyer’s teachings on the Public Television channel, get some of his CD’s–he is amazing!  Jennifer and I were fortunate enough to hear Dr. Dyer speak in Santa Monica last month.   Of course, we were able to manifest a photo with him!

Jennifer has hosted many workshops and retreats.  Recently I attended her Yoga and Manifestation Workshop.  It was a deeply profound experience full of epiphanies and breakthroughs.  She lives what she teaches and is more than happy to spend as much time as needed to help you “get it”.

Jennifer is someone you want to know.  She will go out of her way to support you in whatever you’re up to.  Her heart is as gold as it gets.  Go visit her class.  Be in her space, and introduce yourself, she cares who you are!

Good Bye 40 something!

Today is my last day of being 40 something.  I started it out by going to Jerome Mercier’s Yoga class at 7am.  My health is my greatest wealth and I am so grateful to have listened to my inner voice and continued on my path for all these years.

Anyone who has had the pleasure of practicing with Jerome knows how challenging that can be.  Yes, physical strength is needed, to be sure, but there is more of a mental strength that is underneath it all.

As Jerome ended class today he said, “behind all the poses is Savasana”.   Savasana is the final resting pose and it is blissful after an hour and a half of Jerome’s class… “If we can learn to surrender instead of react to life and yoga, we can get through anything with ease”.

My reactions are right on target for me and my values in life.  Not too long ago, I was working really hard to make a business work.  One of the Senior Vice Presidents in the company who spent years working hard to get there and is now making between $100k & $200k every month in residual income gave me some of the worst advice EVER.  He said,  “Tara, do whatever it takes to make this work.  Stop going to the gym, stop riding your bike, stop practicing yoga, spend every spare moment you have to work this business and MAKE IT WORK”.

Yes, that was his advice.  Now, coming from someone who was making that kind of money, you’d think I would listen and do what he suggested.  I did not even give it a first thought let alone a second thought.

In class this morning while sweating profusely and using every physical and mental muscle in my body, I was grateful I did not listen.  I am not making any residual income, YET,  and the income I make is not anywhere near the $100K mark, YET.  Do you think it matters?

Money is his payoff, I suppose, for working so hard and sacrificing his health to get to the place he is in now.  He got back to the gym after taking years off and gaining over 40 pounds and losing lots of hard-earned muscle and strength.  He can now relax a bit and work hard in a different way to get his health back.

I, however, chose to keep my health and sacrifice the money, at least in the short-term.    I am in a state of great health, however,  my state of financial affairs is not as impressive.  I can ride my bike up a mountain, practice yoga next to a class full of people half my age and manage most of the poses with grace, ease, and as Jerome would say, “elegance”.

I have no regrets.  I feel such an immense amount of fortune surrounding me in everything I do.  I am still open to create financial abundance but I am doing it while maintaining my healthy lifestyle.   I am strong.   I am invincible.  I am grateful.  Oh, and tomorrow, I am 50!!!

Diary of A Massage Therapist

I feel fortunate to have learned the skill of giving massage.  I am a nurturing,  compassionate person so being a massage therapist is in sync with those natural qualities.

I am so very impressed with people who trust enough.  When you think about it, a perfect stranger is entrusting their body to me, another perfect stranger–that’s a big deal!  I don’t take it lightly when someone trusts me to put my hands on them in a loving, non-judgmental way.

There is something so blissful about getting a massage.  When it feels good and you relax, time is non-existent and you drift into a place of peace and deep euphoria.  In the same way, there is so much beauty for me to observe someone getting a massage.  At times, lately, I feel as if I get to see God while giving massages.  God is the place in each and every one of us where we are happy, content, compassionate,  and love ourselves.  To me, God is a place where there is no stress, no rush, no worry, no inhibition.  It is a place where we just trust and allow.  We know that all is well in this moment.

Today,  I had a client return for a second massage.  The first massage was somewhat forced, his wife bought him a gift certificate and he didn’t really want to come.  At the end of the massage he said, “I knew I was stressed out, but I had no idea there was so much stress in my body”.

So today after arriving, he said that people in his life commented on his appearance the day after his massage–that he looked 10 years younger.  He felt it too.  He woke up in the middle of that night and was sweating profusely, obviously his body was letting go of all the stress that had built up.  “I honestly think you saved my life”, he said.

Comments like that make my day worth living–give me a little more impetus to keep on healing.   “You have healing hands”, “You have great energy”, “I am so relaxed”, “How do you know the right places to focus in on”?  The comments are great and keep me motivated and they all come from the place of perfection-God.

One sentiment I always incorporate into every massage is my Namaste’ greeting.  I say it quietly to myself but I see their face and their essence receiving the truth, love, and peace I wish for them.

Namaste’:  I honor the place in you where the entire Universe dwells–the place where there is truth, love, peace, health, and abundance.  When you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are ONE.

I feel fortune in my awareness.  I am a massage therapist and I see God with every massage I give!

Please Forgive Me

I am at Peace.  My father is at Peace.  My father died a couple weeks ago.  I grew up without a father.  I only met him in person 4 times.  I was 10 when my mother drove us across Country from Michigan to California to visit him.  As a young girl who always wondered about her father, I was thrilled.

The next time I met him I was 16, it was his parents’ 50th Wedding Anniversary.  He invited me out to California to visit him anytime.  I thought he was so cool.  In all my years growing up though, he never wrote me, sent cards, answered the  letters I wrote to him.  The older I got, the more I made that mean something about him and something about me.  I began to form all kinds of negative feelings toward him.

The third time I met him was a few years ago.  I attended an intensive weekend event called the Landmark Forum.  The Landmark Forum helped me see that things happen to us and we have our own interpretation about what happened.

After years of no communication, I simply thought he didn’t care about any of his children.  I thought he had no conscience, I thought he was a bad person.  However, after finishing The Landmark Forum, I contacted my father and we created a new relationship.  We let go of the constraints of the past and started from nothing–it was so freeing.

I realized, with his help, that there are two sides to every story and the truth usually lies somewhere in between.  I learned a lot about my father in those few years.  I found lots of compassion for him.  Growing up he had gone to a total of 26 elementary schools.  TWENTY SIX!  His father had a job that kept relocating them.  Imagine how hard it would be to create lasting bonds with people.

He was young when he and my mother were together, he was still learning life and she and we were part of his learning.  He went on to have 3 more wives, and 2 more children in addition to the 5 he had with my mother.

In his last 22 years, he was married to Vicki.  She is an amazing woman and he raised her two kids from a very young age.  He confided in her everything about his life and she loved him deeply.  He was a great father for Linda and Michael and they loved and respected him all their lives.  Even so, he had so much regret and remorse over his past and he always shared with Vicki, the pain he carried with him.  Vicki understood him completely.

Just before he died, he was in a lot of pain the night before and kept waking Vicki and Linda.   Finally, come morning, he was calmer and he just kept telling them, “take my boots off”, “take my boots off”.  They couldn’t figure out what he meant???

After my father died in Vicki’s arms, she realized what he had been referring to.  His very first child with my mom was Jay Ann.  She died of Leukemia at the age of 3.  When he and my mom would bring her home from the hospital after getting a treatment, she would have extra energy and be full of fun and laughter.  She would go and slip her little feet into his big boots and run around.  He chased her and would say, “take my boots off”.  It was a joyful time for him…just to see her happy and full of life and energy.

My father was getting closer to that state of Pure, Positive, Energy that comes with passing.  He was happy and thrilled that he would be in that place with his first child Jay Ann.  The place is what we can all find glimpses of here, in this realm,  if we just try.  A place where there is no pain or guilt or judgment.  A place where there is only joy and vibrant energy.  A place, where if you learn to “let go” and forgive, you can be free.

My sister Valorie was able to meet him when she came out for a visit to California (she still lives in Michigan).  She is one of the most OPEN people I know and she was able to let go of the pain of years of no communication.    My brother Kevin had no bad feelings toward him, he had lived with him for a time when he was 18 and had made peace with any ill feeling he may have had.  My oldest sister was never able to speak to him again.

I feel so fortunate to be able to say that I am at Peace with his passing.  I cleared my body of all the negativity that comes along with not being able to forgive.  Forgiveness is not something we give to the other person, it’s something we give to ourselves.  Most importantly, I asked him to forgive me for all the judgments I made about him.  I came to know what compassion really is–the ability to see someone the way their Source sees them. Source=God=Infinite Intelligence.

My father was a good man.  He had so much going for him and I was able to see through all the veils I had in front of me regarding him and who he was.  We are all here doing the best we can and I feel fortunate to have been able to call him “Dad” later in life.  I AM AT PEACE!

Yoga Twists and Turns

I’ve been practicing yoga in Santa Monica for 13 years.  I’ve considered myself a yoga whore for most of those years.  Yoga whore, meaning I just jump from one teacher to the next and never really stay with one teacher on a weekly basis. Except for a few months practicing with Scott and learning the Ashtanga 1^st series,  I haven’t really connected with too many teachers.  Scott moved away and I was back to my old ways.

The teachers that I return to all have something to offer me while I’m in class, but I never feel the desire to practice with 1 teacher on a week to week basis…until I met Travis Eliot.  Travis has a way with words and an amazing voice that seems to touch me on a soul level.  He has figured out the perfect balance between the physical and spiritual elements of yoga.  It really works for me.

There is poetry in motion when practicing with Travis.  His words blend and glide along effortlessly and it tends to rub off on his students.  At the end of class, people seem rung out like a dish towel–in a good way.  We just let it go and let it flow.  Yes, it’s challenging, but when you’ve made it through, the day seems to start anew.

Over a year ago, I shared my Travis experience with my friend Brigitte.  She was similar to me in the exact opposite way–she never went and tried new teachers.  When I invited her to come and check out Travis’ class,  I guess I  swayed her to step out of that box.  She loved it and we made it a weekly event.  Sometimes we were able to go twice a week.

Going to yoga with someone else opened my world up in so many ways.  I started to feel like I belonged in that space and Travis started looking forward to seeing us.  We brightened his morning and he was the centerpiece of our days together.  After class, we’d usually walk a block or two in the heart of Santa Monica and get a healthy smoothy or a gorgeous green drink.  Truly, these were blissful days!

Month after month this was our routine…until it wasn’t.  You know, life gets in the way and schedules change and that’s what happened to being able to go to yoga with a friend.  We couldn’t coordinate going to that class so we were on our own.  I went back to my old ways and bounced around from studio to studio.

This last Thursday we were able to go to Travis’ class after not being there for months.  As we entered the studio, we lit up when we saw his face.  And yes, his face lit up when he saw us enter!

I have noticed that change is inevitable and things can’t always stay the same.  It’s a bit of a challenge when something good comes to an end because we long for it and remember how good it once was.

The thrill is to be able to get it back–if only for a day here and there.  A memory is fine but being there again was Divine!  Thank you Travis,  thank you Brigitte, having you both there made my dreams complete!

Stay tuned for the next yoga story… while jumping in and out of classes that matched our schedules, we found the female version of Travis–someone we wanted to go back to over and over again.  It was a different time slot, of course, and it will be a story that stands alone–next time!

Dog Days

Live LIKE A DOG!

If you don’t have a dog or a dog that you can walk for someone else, get one or find one.  There’s something magical about being with dogs.  More than something…many things.

Just stepping outside and starting to walk with dogs is invigorating.  Dogs are so thrilled to be getting out in the world.  They greet you with such love and longing.  If you’re ever feeling sad and lonely, go visit a dog and you are guaranteed LOVE.

Dog’s show us how we should be greeting every day.  It is amazing out there in the world.  There is so much for us to see and feel and smell and touch and taste and they can’t wait to do it all!  This is a life to be lived fully and who cares how many puddles or piles of poop you have to walk through to find the amazement.

I have had to catch myself on several occasions not to direct the dogs around the puddles–so what if they get their feet wet!!!  Dogs certainly don’t care how dirty they get.  They don’t care that their feet get dirty–they live life fully without reserving anything for any other time.  They are living life in the NOW.  In one regard I am so grateful to be a thinking, meaning making machine, but I also find myself wishing I could be a little more carefree like the dogs I am blessed to learn from.

Just when I was about to write that nothing gets in a dogs way of joy, I was reminded that there are things that dogs get upset about.  Sebastian gets so annoyed when he sees a certain dog in our neighborhood.  He just can’t stand to see him.  This dog usually taunts Sebastian when Sebastian is behind the gate in the yard.  The dog is allowed to be off leash and he walks near the gate and pees on Sebastian’s territory.  Oh boy!

It has been great to watch the evolution of dogs and their social abilities.  The first time I walked Josephine and Sebastian, I took them to a nearby doggie park.  The dogs’ owner had never taken them to play with other dogs so their abilities were quite lacking.  Josephine was so afraid–as soon as she saw another dog, she turned and ran toward the gate to run home.

That was about a year ago and it didn’t take her long to step into the fear (with a little love and encouragement from me) and begin to trust other dogs. To see a dog go from fearful, shown by either aggressive barking or running away, to initiating play with other dogs is such a lesson in how we live our lives.

If we can just turn in the direction of joy and pleasure and trust that we will be fine on the other side of it, we will know how to live life!  So, I feel so fortunate to have dogs that remind me that life is brand new in each moment and we can choose to make a big deal out of the puddles and piles of poop or not!  Life is Good–Live it Absolutely!!!

See For Myself!

I went out on a spectacular Saturday morning mountain bike ride.  I was riding through the canyon, when someone going the other way said, “the trail is closed ahead”.  “Oh”, I said surprised.  I continued on about 10 more minutes when a man who works for the gas company stopped me and said the trail is closed ahead.  I said, “yeah, I heard but I want to see for myself.”

More riders rode past me telling me about the closure…”yeah, yeah” I said.  They were just being nice and trying to clue me in so I wouldn’t get there and be upset, but I just wanted to see it for myself.   I like to see things for myself and not just take everybody’s word for it.

That sounds like a smart philosophy, don’t you think?  If we all listened to everybody else telling us when to turn around and when to stop, we’d be living a life with no power at all and probably never even “go for” anything.

I rode the trail to the closure where the security guard said that would be the end of the ride.  I assured him that I knew all about it but I wanted to see it for myself.  He laughed and agreed that it made sense to him.

The funny thing is, I got a good 30 minutes more of a ride in after the first person told me about the closure.  Yes, I could have chosen to turn around and ride another trail nearby so that I could do a loop, but somehow I just wanted to get the full story for myself.  The security guard explained that the trail would be closed for about 2 more months.  Well, at least I know now, FOR MYSELF!  Instead of listening to the hearsay of everyone else, I got the firsthand story with my own ears.

That has been and will continue to be my way of life.  If someone tells me a movie sucks or a restaurant is awful, let me be the judge.  If a doctor tells someone with a serious injury, “don’t even bother trying to walk again”, do you think they should listen?

We are all different and we all get to choose.  Isn’t that the best news…we get to choose and we don’t have to take anyone’s word or opinion other than our own.

Today turned into a really gorgeous ride–even though it was cut short–there was something about it that was perfect.  I’ve never seen so many colorful moths and butterflys, it was a beautiful spring day and I got to decide for myself to see the end of the trail with my own eyes.

One more thing…you know the street signs that say “Not a Through Street”?  They aren’t always telling the truth.  You know how I know, I ride to the end and see for myself that there is a way through–they just don’t want you to know about it.  Sure, most of the time they tell the truth, but not always.  Ya just gotta go through it to get to it…and see for yourself!