Vibrating Vicariously

“Oh, my sister isn’t wealthy–she just lives vicariously through the wealthy people around her”.  Those were the words my sister used to describe me and my life.  When she recited them to me, I must admit I was a bit halted both in thought and words!  I wasn’t sure if I should be offended or not–I decided to let it go.

Yes, I have been spending time in multi million dollar lifestyles for over 20 years now.  Upon moving away from my humble beginnings in Detroit, I magically wound up in Malibu.  I started training, massaging, and house-sitting for all kinds of people in Malibu–celebrities, moms, dads, producers, attorneys, musicians, actors, etc.  Not all of their lifestyles were multi million dollar, but they seemed to have way more than I could have ever imagined myself having.

Today, as I led a group of hikers along the stretch of Westward beach that is lined with magnificent homes, I described one of the settings of a weekly massage client I had for about a year.  She lived with that beach as her back yard.  The balcony where I massaged her was so glorious.  You couldn’t see the sand or the parking lot below, you could only see the blue sky and ocean.  All you could smell was the ocean breeze–it was so breathtaking and breathgiving–all at once.

People always ask me, “aren’t you envious when you spend time in these homes”.  Honestly, no–I almost felt as if I were part owner of the space.  Heck, I got to be there every week and enjoy the space.  Yes, there were times I wished I could spend more time–just chillin and relaxing, but for the most part, I was in bliss.

The first place I lived in Malibu was on a private horse ranch.  The owners weren’t millionaires, but they had a property worth millions with 7 horses that made my childhood dreams come true.  The experiences I was able to live out there on that ranch were nothing short of miraculous.

My landlord saw the thrill and desire I had to learn how to ride so she graciously took me to horse clinics and trainings–one of them with the incomparable Ray Hunt!  I created a bond between one of the horses that was so warm and wonderful, words cannot describe the love I felt for that horse.  The most thrilling feeling was the love the horse felt for me–that was a warm and palpable force!

Yes, I have trained and massaged some of the biggest names in Hollywood.  Two of my neighbors are A-list actors who can play any role they want because they are who they are.  I am surrounded by abundance and wealth everywhere I go.  I take care of homes that are so magnificent and others that are humble in comparison.

Am I living vicariously through them?  I don’t think so.  What I am noticing, though, is that the more time I spend lingering around this lifestyle, the more it becomes reachable, believable, possible.  I am vibrating vicariously!  Why not right?  I am in it and around it.   By being in it, it becomes more a part of my vibration which helps me to maintain that vibration, which then must manifest in my life.

I have a friend who grew up in a very wealthy family.  She will always vibrate with the abundant energy she has, that’s just what she knows.  She knows nothing of lack or not enough and, fortunately, she will never know that because she has been trained to EXPECT wealth to be hers endlessly.

No, I boldly say to you, I have no doubt that this is all training for me.  I have been training my vibration for all these years and it simply must mean I am getting closer to the vibration of full and effortless abundance.  As I know, everything is energy.   We are all vibrating a frequency out into our environment.  The more time I spend with this wealth and abundance surrounding me, the more I will vibrate that signal and I won’t be able to help but match it!

This is an amazing clip from an Abraham Workshop–describes vibration well.

Magnetic Energy

Some people have an energetic force that draws life to them.   It doesn’t matter what they look like, their energy trumps everything.  If it’s a high vibrating energy, it feels good and you want to be around it!

I recently attended a Landmark Education class in Los Angeles.   On the second day of class, I entered the room, scanned the space, then walked to the  far right of the room to take my seat. The leader encouraged us to sit in a  different spot from the previous day.  I sat next to a man in the 4th row on the right.   I wasn’t attracted to him in any physical way and I could only see his back.  There were lots of open seats all around, but I sat right next to him.

He turned to me and said, “Hi Tara”.   Not only did I not know who I was sitting next to at the time, I didn’t even recognize him after I looked at him. The only reason I knew it was him was by reading his name tag and that he seemed to know me. He had changed a lot after all these years…he had gained some weight and had a bit of gray in his hair.  I had dated him briefly about 17 years ago.

As we caught up with each others lives over dinner, it was clear to me, he had the same fiery energy he had all those years ago.  And even though I didn’t really SEE a physical attraction, I was feeling an attraction to his energy.  I love energy!

He later admitted that when he was sitting there in the morning, he looked over to the door and saw me walk in. He had seen me the day before because I stood up and spoke in the front of the room.  When he saw me enter the room, he said in his mind, “please come sit next to me, please come sit next to me.”  And I did!!!

Everything is ENERGY! For me, it is so much more important than how a person looks. That’s why I am baffled when I hear  most of my friends list their dealbreakers for finding the man of their dreams–”he has to be taller than 5’9″, he can’t have any children, he needs to be able to support me.”   Really?  Those restrictions could be blocking you from finding the partner of your wildest dreams.  For me, anyway, I stay open to whatever it looks like and reach for those higher energetic qualities..

Energy is amazing. You can deny it or embrace it. I embrace it and look forward to sharing it.  Reach for the best feeling thought you can find and you will raise your energetic vibration higher.  Feel ya later!

Caged Animals

I went to see the movie, “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”.  It was a really good movie and I noticed something that we are all subject to–limited access to nature.  Whenever we enclose ourselves with limitations, it creates a bit of frustration and sometimes rage!  No question about it, even though humans are not apes, we still need to run and jump and move our bodies out in nature.

There were a couple of scenes where Caesar was let off his leash in the Redwood forest.  Caesar was a baby ape raised indoors.  The shot of his face as he looked up, how his eyes brightened, was magical.  I feel similar when I’m out on my favorite trails.  We have nature all around us but most people don’t utilize it and surrender to it.  We know it’s there but we have deprived ourselves for so long that we don’t know or remember what we’re missing.

When we go too long without our fix, we become pent up and filled with anger and rage and resentment and it’s no wonder we take it out on others around us.  Whether we are in our cars venting about the other drivers, or out in public areas dealing with strangers, people have gotten downright nasty and uncivilized at times.

My prescription is to allow ourselves back out into the wild.  Nature heals all our ailments if we just trust it to work its magic.  I’m watching a lizard on my porch right now.  To each stroke of the keyboard, he is reacting with his balance and body poised and ready to run away or toward.  As the typing continues, he relaxes into the noise knowing there is no threat.  He is in tune with his perceptions and feelings without thinking, just a natural knowing.

Imagine if we could tap into that power?  We have it here in front of us and most of us pass it by.  I encourage anyone reading this to get out the door,  into the day,  and enjoy your body moving through space.  Let go, breath, and celebrate life outside our domesticated domain.

If you have dogs, you know how excited they get when you take them out for a walk.  Excited, I mean REALLY excited–and to think–they are just going on a little walk in the developed neighborhood!  It’s good to get outside, even if it is your neighborhood street.  Do something amazing for your physiology today, go take a walk.

You won’t really feel everything that is going on physiologically inside your body, but trust me, there is a myriad of reactions taking place that would blow your mind if you could wrap it around them.  You are an amazing machine and your body thrives on activity.  Use your body, revel in it and know that it is such a phenomenal piece of creation!

Outstanding

As I am becoming more and more appreciative and grateful for everything in my day to day living, I am noticing more and more people in my midst who are extremely appreciative and considerate.  It is so fun to watch the unfolding as it occurs.

It’s good news to me, since I am a firm believer in the law of attraction.  When we vibrate a certain signal out into universe, it is then magnified into our experience.  I do feel as if I’ve been getting better,  nicer, more considerate and more compassionate.

I am meeting some outstanding people, that’s for sure.  I went in to start working on a massage  client and the first thing he said was, “I just want to thank you in advance for doing what you do”.  That was a first, I had never heard that before!

This was the second time I’d worked on him but I’ve been seeing him here and there when he comes in for massages from different therapists.  He is always with his wife and the love he has for her oozes out of him.  He is a happy human being.  He is doing what he loves and treating himself and others well as he goes along.

I can’t think of a better scenario for which we should all be living our lives.  I was just so curious about him, though, I had to ask him, “Were you born this nice, how did you get this way”?  He replied, “Fire, coming up against struggle, and more fire”.  That is good news for us all.

That means, the more aware we are of where we are, the more we go to work on ourselves.  As we are aware of where we are and know where we want to be, we become more vibrant and alive.  We grow, expand and evolve into something new and expressive.  We become inspiring to others just by being joyful.  This man,  and many others I keep bumping up against in my daily activities,  are so inspiring to me.  They see the best in everyone and everything and treat everyone around them with love and respect.

We just need to keep moving forward and do whatever it takes to train ourselves into that supreme state of appreciation.  I’m sure you’ve heard it over and over again–when you are grateful and appreciative of everything in your life, you will get more and more to be grateful and appreciative of!

Good Vibrations!

My dog, Sebastian, decided to run out of the gate when it opened.  This is something he has done before but always returns within 20 minutes.  Usually, we just know he’ll be coming home soon and he does.  He just needs to run wild and get a thrill.  This time though, after two hours had passed, I became a bit anxious.

My Facebook status up-date from the previous day was “Worry is a waste of your imagination”.  I was to be tested on this day!

I decided to cancel my Christmas party plans and stay home in case anyone found him and called the number on his tag.  No calls.  I kept seeing him, in my mind’s eye,  coming up to the gate and looking up into my eyes like he always does with that intent, sensitive, sweetness.  Unfortunately, I also had visions, although brief, of him being stuck in the canyon with Coyotes surrounding him or somewhere on the street involved with a car.

As quickly as those visions entered my mind, I pushed them out with visions of him looking into my eyes.  I told my house mate that he was probably laying on a nice lawn somewhere just enjoying the moments.  She was doubtful but I had seen him do this on our walks so often that I didn’t doubt it.  I was hopeful but becoming more anxious by the hours that passed.

Several hours had gone by now.  After walking the neighborhood, driving the neighborhood and checking out the canyon behind the house, I had to go to sleep.  At 5am, after 15 hours had passed, Sebastian arrived home.  My house mate let him in the house and I could hear the familiar running down the hallway.  I jumped up and ran into the hall.  “Is that him, is he here”?

As he had ran out the back door and heard my voice, he ran back in and looked at me with those eyes.  My vision came true!

I have no idea where he had been for 15 hours.  This was the first time he’d been gone for more than 20 minutes.  I truly believe that my vibration and love for him, pulled him to me.  I kept seeing and feeling his loving presence out there enjoying life and seeing his loving eyes staring me down.  I am so grateful that I used my imagination to see what I wanted to see instead of worry about what I didn’t want to see.   I am grateful and I love this dog!

Yoga–ya gotta begin to win

I’ve been meeting many people who really want to develop a yoga practice.  Their first couple of experiences, though, have been challenging.    When I hear this, I always ask them, “how bad do you want to practice yoga, what are you willing to go through, are you up for being annoyed, how about feeling frustrated”?  In yoga, like many things in life, you have to be willing to be  “not so good” for awhile before you can be good.

I was assuring a potential new student today that the journey to having her very own yoga practice would not be easy.  She was describing one of her first classes–feeling tight,  awkward, annoyed and not doing the poses correctly.  “Get used to feeling that way for at least a little while”, I said.

Yoga, if you really want it, will be a journey.  The journey will be worth the gold but you will pay with many different emotions and many of them are not pleasant.

For me, I can still vividly recall the first class I went to–it was an Ashtanga Mysore class.  The class was advertised as “all levels welcome” (beginners/intermediate/advanced).  It was one of those rare 90 degree days in Santa Monica and I was sweating profusely.  I didn’t know any of the postures, it was literally my first class.  There wasn’t a teacher in front of the room leading the class because in that style of Ashtanga, the teacher walks around assisting each person in “their own” individual practices.  I had no practice so my eyes were wandering around looking to see what to do next.  What I saw was so intimidating…standing splits, legs around their heads, arms and legs wrapping around like pretzels, etc.  It was amazing.  I was definitely not in the right place!

It was one of the most frustrating experiences to look around the room at advanced practitioners and be so elementary as to not know any of the poses.  I made it through the 2 hour class and had a big decision to make.  Would I quit or would I start at the level 1 classes and learn everything I could?

I am so thankful that I chose to start from the beginning and progress.  I took my time, I learned the poses and I am still learning new poses 14 years later.

I can remember those beginning days of yoga, just getting to the class was a big deal.  I would get into the room before the class even started and feel thrilled that I was there.  At least I was there, now I just needed to endure all the growing pains it took to learn and develop as a practitioner.

Some of my male friends joke about wanting to take yoga simply to be in a class full of women.  I always laugh silently to myself because I know it will take so much more than that to keep on getting themselves in that classroom.

Yoga is a path that will look different to each and every person, but one thing is identical for all–yoga is an inside job.  There will be a bit of a struggle inside while your body struggles with the outside poses.

You will feel so many different emotions–anxiety, frustration, and humiliation are a few of them.  Then, your ego will find ways to celebrate how great you are.  Those don’t feel as bad, but still, that’s not part of the yogi’s path.  Your ego will be struggling every step of the way, whether it is chatter that makes you feel good or chatter that makes you feel bad.  Yoga, the best of it, is about letting your ego go and just being present with your breath.

Practicing yoga is all yours.  There will be times that you feel proud and accomplished and there will be times you feel deflated and disillusioned.  You will seriously consider quitting, but if you are committed, you will endure.  When you get to the other side of the uneasiness, you will have something so worthy and tangible.  You can depend on it like when you first learned how to ride a bike.  You can always hop on the bike and ride–the same is true with yoga.  You can take your yoga practice with you anywhere you go and it will always serve you.

I urge and encourage you–if you are wanting to develop a physical practice that will serve your mind and body year after year, practice yoga and keep practicing.  Don’t let your ego convince you to quit.

Yoga has been a miracle for many people and helped them heal physical ailments that seemed otherwise incurable.  I don’t have any miraculous stories, but it did make my knees stronger and I became a runner.  Yoga took me further and further away from the sometimes obsessive/compulsive chatter in my head and into the present moment.  I learned to let go and go with the flow.  I learned to just breath and know that I could get through anything.  Come to think of it, those are miraculous!

Oh what I have overcome.  As Michael Beckwith said this morning, “hear what my words cannot convey”.  The words I choose cannot convey the prize that awaits you.  Only you can find it within yourself to step into the unknown and cultivate a practice that will continue to unfold.  Take the first step but only if you are committed.

Synchronicity Swirling Around Me

The day started like any other day at The Malibu Gym.  

Greg, one of the trainers,  was wearing a “Drill” shirt.  Arnold made a comment that his shirt should say “sargeant” after the Drill logo.  Greg said, “well, I’ll see what Craig can do about that”.  Craig is the owner of Drill.  I haven’t seen Craig since the beginning days of working at the gym…probably 18 years ago.  I have had many Drill shirts but I thought Drill went out of business and I haven’t seen Craig in a very long time.

I went on with my day and was at the local Starbucks when a good looking man caught my eye.  He had his dog sit at the edge of the parking space while he walked away, then he called the dog to come.  As he got close, I commented, “that is one well-trained dog”.  He agreed and I couldn’t help but notice his amazing blue eyes AND the fact that he was wearing a Drill shirt.

I had owned a shirt just like the one he was wearing.  Then, I went to my car and sat with my door open while I talked to a girlfriend on the phone.  I watched the blue-eyed guy go inside the store next to the Starbucks.  I knew that it was a skate board/surf type shop but then noticed it was “Drill”.  Then, as I sat there longer, the owner,  Craig (who Greg had mentioned earlier)  came out of the store.

There was something about that beautiful blue eyed guy.  Not only was he wearing a Drill shirt, but on the very same day, I saw the owner who was mentioned earlier when Arnold and I commented on Greg’s Drill shirt.  Synchronicity swirling around me is all I can say…

I found it interesting that all those events took place in one day.  The next couple of Wednesday’s I went into that Starbucks hoping to see the blue-eyed guy, but not to be seen.

Two Weeks Later…30 miles South.

I was in Santa Monica at the local farmers market.  As I sat waiting for my friend I noticed a man that looked like the man I noticed 2 weeks earlier.  Sure enough, I could see his blue eyes from 15 feet away,  I looked to see where he went and there was his dog that verified it was him.

I couldn’t resist so I approached him and asked if he lived in Malibu…that I remembered him and his well-trained dog.  It turns out, he works in Malibu and lives out my way as well.  He trains horses.  I shared with him the first place I lived in Malibu was on a private horse ranch.  My landlord had taken me to a few great clinics to learn riding techniques.  He wondered which ones?   I could only remember one of the techniques that really stood out for me and shared that.  He said, “when and where was this clinic”.  I knew it was sometime in 1992 since that’s when I lived there.  He said, “wow, you took a clinic with Buck Brannaman”.  “Yes, that was the name”, I said, “I remember it felt like I was in the presence of a real master”.

He went onto tell me that Buck Brannaman was the consultant to the movie The Horse Whisperer.  He said that he’s never known anyone who had such a freakish way with horses…amazing man.  Turns out, he was going to a clinic the very next day to see Buck Brannaman in Montana.  I shared with him the synchronistic events that ocurred 2 weeks prior and now it felt like even more synchronistic events were happening.

I find it so very interesting that he could be someone who caught my eye in Malibu and I was hoping to see him on the days I go into Malibu when in fact, he lives close by me and I got to see him and talk to him again.  Then, if that’s not enough, as I was hiking with a friend and telling her about all these events, she said, “wait a minute, I know who you’re talking about”.  She assists a teacher in a yoga class and he has been to her class and she has had enough conversations with him to know that he is a horse trainer.  Of course, the blue eyes and the dog confirmed that we are talking about the same guy!!!

This is a small world and we vibrate strongly enough to pull in the people we want to pull into our vortex!  If you pay attention and find some awareness in your own lives, I promise,   you will see the same crazy synchronistic events.  Enjoy them, that’s what they’re for!!!

Just a post note:  I wrote this a few months ago.  Recently, I sat down at a different Starbucks in Malibu to edit it.  I had my head buried in my computer when a man walked up and asked if I was reading the newspaper on my table…I looked up and it was this same man that I am writing about!!!

Another note:  there have been a few other times I’ve seen him, he is clearly not the least bit interested in me.  However, there is something that keeps pulling his presence into my space.  I’m just going to wait and see what happens next.  Whatever the case may be, it’s fun to notice!

Santa Monica Serendipity

Santa Monica was once the Mecca of Bodybuilding–or wait, maybe it was Venice.  These days, Santa Monica is the Mecca of Yoga Studios.  There are literally 6 studios within 5 blocks of each other.

As I wrote in a previous post, I was once a yoga whore.  Yoga whore,  meaning I never seemed to stay with one teacher, I jumped from class to class every week with no desire to be true to one teacher.

After many years, I found a teacher I practiced with every week and shared the time with a friend.  We loved our time together until our schedules changed and we were off on another  quest to find a place to fit in.

There are a some great teachers in Santa Monica–actually some of the best teachers in the Country make Santa Monica their home.  While they may be great teachers, most of them don’t have the quality of connecting with all their students.  It’s hard with a room FULL of students I’m sure, but as a student, it feels good to be seen and touched and known.

Just the other day, I was at a special event workshop.  I was in the restroom and I saw a face I recognized but wasn’t sure who or how I knew her.  I told her she looked familiar and asked her name, she then told me her name.  She was a “famous” teacher.   Most people when asked their name would reciprocate with, “what’s your name?”  No, not this teacher–she is more of a “celebrity” yoga instructor.  She had no desire to know my name.  She has grown comfortable in her status of the Santa Monica yoga scene!  To me, that’s so sad.

Finding a teacher that is warm and inviting is not always an easy task here in Santa Monica.  My friend and I couldn’t make it to our regular teacher’s class because of time constraints so we went to a new studio (at the time it was new, it’s a year old now), Yogaco.

That’s when, serendipitously,  we met the second teacher that made her way into our hearts, Jennifer Pastiloff.  We wanted to give the new yoga studio our business and we arrived and waited and waited and waited.  I wanted my friend to meet Aras and experience his class but we found out later he had been in the hospital with food poisoning.    The person at the desk told us, “Jennifer’s class is starting at 9 and her class is really cool.”

We had been wanting to find our female favorite but hadn’t had much luck.  What a pleasant surprise she was.

Jennifer is the kind of teacher I would be if I were teaching in a public setting.  She is approachable, warm, inspiring, real, playful, authentic, and she cares about who YOU are and what your name is!  I could go on but I will just say,  she is easy to be with.  Her spirit is so loving and giving and supportive.  Everyone who knows Jennifer absolutely adores her.  Her mother says, “that’s the way it has been her whole life, everybody loves her.”

When the time that she teaches works in my schedule, I’m in her class.  When I’m there, I know I can just BE.  There is no serious vibe going on…she encourages everyone to sing out if they feel the music and need to express it.  When I am there, in some bizarre way, the music she plays is perfect–just what I need that day.  Synchronicity!

There is so much about being in her class that appeals to me…I can let my inhibitions go and just BE.    Sometimes the music moves me so much,  I am teary eyed with joy and wonder.  Sometimes,  I am encouraged to go for a pose I had been too intimidated to try.  There is something so magical about getting past a block–the feeling is amazing and she is there to walk you through it.

The words she speaks are inspiring.  One of her greatest influences in life has been the teachings of Dr. Wayne Dyer.  We are like-minded in that regard,  if you haven’t heard any of Dr. Wayne Dyer’s teachings on the Public Television channel, get some of his CD’s–he is amazing!  Jennifer and I were fortunate enough to hear Dr. Dyer speak in Santa Monica last month.   Of course, we were able to manifest a photo with him!

Jennifer has hosted many workshops and retreats.  Recently I attended her Yoga and Manifestation Workshop.  It was a deeply profound experience full of epiphanies and breakthroughs.  She lives what she teaches and is more than happy to spend as much time as needed to help you “get it”.

Jennifer is someone you want to know.  She will go out of her way to support you in whatever you’re up to.  Her heart is as gold as it gets.  Go visit her class.  Be in her space, and introduce yourself, she cares who you are!

Good Bye 40 something!

Today is my last day of being 40 something.  I started it out by going to Jerome Mercier’s Yoga class at 7am.  My health is my greatest wealth and I am so grateful to have listened to my inner voice and continued on my path for all these years.

Anyone who has had the pleasure of practicing with Jerome knows how challenging that can be.  Yes, physical strength is needed, to be sure, but there is more of a mental strength that is underneath it all.

As Jerome ended class today he said, “behind all the poses is Savasana”.   Savasana is the final resting pose and it is blissful after an hour and a half of Jerome’s class… “If we can learn to surrender instead of react to life and yoga, we can get through anything with ease”.

My reactions are right on target for me and my values in life.  Not too long ago, I was working really hard to make a business work.  One of the Senior Vice Presidents in the company who spent years working hard to get there and is now making between $100k & $200k every month in residual income gave me some of the worst advice EVER.  He said,  “Tara, do whatever it takes to make this work.  Stop going to the gym, stop riding your bike, stop practicing yoga, spend every spare moment you have to work this business and MAKE IT WORK”.

Yes, that was his advice.  Now, coming from someone who was making that kind of money, you’d think I would listen and do what he suggested.  I did not even give it a first thought let alone a second thought.

In class this morning while sweating profusely and using every physical and mental muscle in my body, I was grateful I did not listen.  I am not making any residual income, YET,  and the income I make is not anywhere near the $100K mark, YET.  Do you think it matters?

Money is his payoff, I suppose, for working so hard and sacrificing his health to get to the place he is in now.  He got back to the gym after taking years off and gaining over 40 pounds and losing lots of hard-earned muscle and strength.  He can now relax a bit and work hard in a different way to get his health back.

I, however, chose to keep my health and sacrifice the money, at least in the short-term.    I am in a state of great health, however,  my state of financial affairs is not as impressive.  I can ride my bike up a mountain, practice yoga next to a class full of people half my age and manage most of the poses with grace, ease, and as Jerome would say, “elegance”.

I have no regrets.  I feel such an immense amount of fortune surrounding me in everything I do.  I am still open to create financial abundance but I am doing it while maintaining my healthy lifestyle.   I am strong.   I am invincible.  I am grateful.  Oh, and tomorrow, I am 50!!!

Please Forgive Me

I am at Peace.  My father is at Peace.  My father died a couple weeks ago.  I grew up without a father.  I only met him in person 4 times.  I was 10 when my mother drove us across Country from Michigan to California to visit him.  As a young girl who always wondered about her father, I was thrilled.

The next time I met him I was 16, it was his parents’ 50th Wedding Anniversary.  He invited me out to California to visit him anytime.  I thought he was so cool.  In all my years growing up though, he never wrote me, sent cards, answered the  letters I wrote to him.  The older I got, the more I made that mean something about him and something about me.  I began to form all kinds of negative feelings toward him.

The third time I met him was a few years ago.  I attended an intensive weekend event called the Landmark Forum.  The Landmark Forum helped me see that things happen to us and we have our own interpretation about what happened.

After years of no communication, I simply thought he didn’t care about any of his children.  I thought he had no conscience, I thought he was a bad person.  However, after finishing The Landmark Forum, I contacted my father and we created a new relationship.  We let go of the constraints of the past and started from nothing–it was so freeing.

I realized, with his help, that there are two sides to every story and the truth usually lies somewhere in between.  I learned a lot about my father in those few years.  I found lots of compassion for him.  Growing up he had gone to a total of 26 elementary schools.  TWENTY SIX!  His father had a job that kept relocating them.  Imagine how hard it would be to create lasting bonds with people.

He was young when he and my mother were together, he was still learning life and she and we were part of his learning.  He went on to have 3 more wives, and 2 more children in addition to the 5 he had with my mother.

In his last 22 years, he was married to Vicki.  She is an amazing woman and he raised her two kids from a very young age.  He confided in her everything about his life and she loved him deeply.  He was a great father for Linda and Michael and they loved and respected him all their lives.  Even so, he had so much regret and remorse over his past and he always shared with Vicki, the pain he carried with him.  Vicki understood him completely.

Just before he died, he was in a lot of pain the night before and kept waking Vicki and Linda.   Finally, come morning, he was calmer and he just kept telling them, “take my boots off”, “take my boots off”.  They couldn’t figure out what he meant???

After my father died in Vicki’s arms, she realized what he had been referring to.  His very first child with my mom was Jay Ann.  She died of Leukemia at the age of 3.  When he and my mom would bring her home from the hospital after getting a treatment, she would have extra energy and be full of fun and laughter.  She would go and slip her little feet into his big boots and run around.  He chased her and would say, “take my boots off”.  It was a joyful time for him…just to see her happy and full of life and energy.

My father was getting closer to that state of Pure, Positive, Energy that comes with passing.  He was happy and thrilled that he would be in that place with his first child Jay Ann.  The place is what we can all find glimpses of here, in this realm,  if we just try.  A place where there is no pain or guilt or judgment.  A place where there is only joy and vibrant energy.  A place, where if you learn to “let go” and forgive, you can be free.

My sister Valorie was able to meet him when she came out for a visit to California (she still lives in Michigan).  She is one of the most OPEN people I know and she was able to let go of the pain of years of no communication.    My brother Kevin had no bad feelings toward him, he had lived with him for a time when he was 18 and had made peace with any ill feeling he may have had.  My oldest sister was never able to speak to him again.

I feel so fortunate to be able to say that I am at Peace with his passing.  I cleared my body of all the negativity that comes along with not being able to forgive.  Forgiveness is not something we give to the other person, it’s something we give to ourselves.  Most importantly, I asked him to forgive me for all the judgments I made about him.  I came to know what compassion really is–the ability to see someone the way their Source sees them. Source=God=Infinite Intelligence.

My father was a good man.  He had so much going for him and I was able to see through all the veils I had in front of me regarding him and who he was.  We are all here doing the best we can and I feel fortunate to have been able to call him “Dad” later in life.  I AM AT PEACE!